4 Jan

I’m kind of failing at everything right now.

I feel like I’m failing as a person, and as a person who was in a steady and happy relationship. I feel like I am a failure, by my actions and by my words, and I just want it all to go away. I feel lost, and broken, and I feel like my heart has been split in two, but I’m still trying to remain this positive person who I want to become. It’s taking every part of my willpower not to just crawl into a hole and live there forever.

I’m taking this day by day, and each day I am learning something new about myself. Monday? I learnt that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I’m not a crumpled mess in that hole, but I am living, learning, and hoping that it all makes the difference. Yesterday? Yesterday I learnt that I am becoming just that little bit more selfless.

Heartbreak, no matter what form it is in, is one of the most excruiciating things a person can ever go through. It’s debilitating, paralyzing and the kind of feeling I wouldn’t wish on any one single person on this earth. It, at the very least, makes you feel alive. It makes your heart pound, and your palms sweat, a feeling of complete and utter hopelessness washing over you every second that pasts by. It means losing your appetite, your ability to laugh at things you used to laugh at, and you lose everything you think you could have possibly wanted in a second. Heartbreak is one of the most painful things a person can ever go through. It’s there, lingering, and not ever final. The finality, or lack of, is immobilising. It’s immobilising because each and every day I am waking up without my best friend beside me.

Today I learnt that I am coping with this better than I could have ever expected myself to. And for that, I am kind of proud of myself.

That isn’t a failure.

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