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23 Jan

I am a true believer in fate. In the hope that there is a greater power out there, leading us in the right direction. I believe in soul mates and the small fact that everything happens for a reason. I believe in ‘i’ll meet you at the end’ and ‘or only one way that it was always meant to be.

I’ll never, ever lose that. I think that’s my favourite thing about myself.

We’re all stories, in the end. And this is just mine.

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things that made me smile today:

20 Jan

I’m trying to be positive today. I’ve had kind of a shitty day, a sad day, and I’m just sitting here trying to be positive. So I’m making a list.

Things that made me smile today:

  1. I bought a lot of facial toners/moisturisers and I am planning on making my skin delicious.
  2. In a few short hours I will be a brunette again.
  3. I am feeling so much, it’s giving me inspiration to write. Feel. Bleed onto the pages.
  4. My dog. He is adorable.
  5. I ate a Cadbury Creme Egg. It was delightful.

It’s not much, but it’s enough for today. I’ve got to keep my head up.

15 Jan

Tomorrow I am starting a new healthy ‘living’ regime. I refuse to call it a diet, because everytime I start things with the word ‘diet’ I always manage to fuck it up within about two days. Essentially, I am eating three meals a day, no snacking, drinking lots of water, and exercising for 1.5 hours 5 days a week. Sounds pretty simple?

Wrong. It’s going to be fucking hard.

I am the worst when it comes to starting diets. I always have that bit of chocolate, or that bag of chips. People try to tell me that going cold turkey isn’t the way to go because you need to treat yourself, but no. I have to go cold turkey. Because if I am a week in, and the deep longing for chocolate has finally subsided, and then my tongue tastes just a bit of the dairy/cocoa goodness, it’s all over. I become like a hyena, who hasn’t eaten in five thousand days. So cold turkey it is.

I’ve been wanting to get serious about this for awhile. And what better motivation than clothes? All my clothes are baggy on me anyway, due to the fact that the past year I have lost 13 kilos. But I have put off buying clothes because I always had the intention of losing more weight. So, here goes. Starting tomorrow, the sixteenth of January, I will start a eight week ‘healthy living plan’, which I hope leads to losing ten kilos. Ten kilos in eight weeks. That’s 1.25 kilos a week. Pretty managable. And when I get to my goal weight of 63 kilos, I will go out, $600 in my hand, and purchase a whole new wardrobe. Throw out all my clothes. And buy brand new ones.

Sounds like a pretty awesome treat to me. Take that, chocolate.

12 Jan

All of time and space; everywhere and anywhere; every star that ever was. Where do you want to start?

Watching Doctor Who, from eleven onwards. Only watched the first, but gosh this quote stuck out to me. I love this television show, I love the eclectic nature of the dialogue, and the colours of the film. I love the characters, and the acting and just everything about it. But this quote? Blows my mind.

You can really apply this to everyday life, can’t you? All of time and space. Where do you want to start? You have the ability to do whatever you want to do, the world is your playground.

Where do you want to start?

12 Jan

 Things that I am grateful for today:

1. These two precious people, for making me smile real wide while I am cooped up in bed with a cold.

2. My new canvas’s, which are hanging on my wall and looking pretty darn amazing.

3. My puppy, who is currently sleeping next to me and keeping me company.

It’s the small things.

10 Jan

 I am feeling particularly sad today. No reason, really. I woke up feeling off, and drained and missing someone more than I have in a week. It’s funny how something like that can throw your whole day off. I woke up sad, I woke up with a sore throat, and then I spent the day sorting out our stuff, our life, and boxing it all away.

I’m feeling broken today.

I am a fixer. I want to fix everything now, and instantaniously. I’ve always been like this. I think the greatest struggle for me at the moment is knowing that I can’t fix this, not right away, anyway. There is a certain hopelessness there that is breaking my heart.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will make sure of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 Jan

I’m kind of failing at everything right now.

I feel like I’m failing as a person, and as a person who was in a steady and happy relationship. I feel like I am a failure, by my actions and by my words, and I just want it all to go away. I feel lost, and broken, and I feel like my heart has been split in two, but I’m still trying to remain this positive person who I want to become. It’s taking every part of my willpower not to just crawl into a hole and live there forever.

I’m taking this day by day, and each day I am learning something new about myself. Monday? I learnt that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I’m not a crumpled mess in that hole, but I am living, learning, and hoping that it all makes the difference. Yesterday? Yesterday I learnt that I am becoming just that little bit more selfless.

Heartbreak, no matter what form it is in, is one of the most excruiciating things a person can ever go through. It’s debilitating, paralyzing and the kind of feeling I wouldn’t wish on any one single person on this earth. It, at the very least, makes you feel alive. It makes your heart pound, and your palms sweat, a feeling of complete and utter hopelessness washing over you every second that pasts by. It means losing your appetite, your ability to laugh at things you used to laugh at, and you lose everything you think you could have possibly wanted in a second. Heartbreak is one of the most painful things a person can ever go through. It’s there, lingering, and not ever final. The finality, or lack of, is immobilising. It’s immobilising because each and every day I am waking up without my best friend beside me.

Today I learnt that I am coping with this better than I could have ever expected myself to. And for that, I am kind of proud of myself.

That isn’t a failure.