12 Jan

All of time and space; everywhere and anywhere; every star that ever was. Where do you want to start?

Watching Doctor Who, from eleven onwards. Only watched the first, but gosh this quote stuck out to me. I love this television show, I love the eclectic nature of the dialogue, and the colours of the film. I love the characters, and the acting and just everything about it. But this quote? Blows my mind.

You can really apply this to everyday life, can’t you? All of time and space. Where do you want to start? You have the ability to do whatever you want to do, the world is your playground.

Where do you want to start?

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12 Jan

 Things that I am grateful for today:

1. These two precious people, for making me smile real wide while I am cooped up in bed with a cold.

2. My new canvas’s, which are hanging on my wall and looking pretty darn amazing.

3. My puppy, who is currently sleeping next to me and keeping me company.

It’s the small things.

10 Jan

 I am feeling particularly sad today. No reason, really. I woke up feeling off, and drained and missing someone more than I have in a week. It’s funny how something like that can throw your whole day off. I woke up sad, I woke up with a sore throat, and then I spent the day sorting out our stuff, our life, and boxing it all away.

I’m feeling broken today.

I am a fixer. I want to fix everything now, and instantaniously. I’ve always been like this. I think the greatest struggle for me at the moment is knowing that I can’t fix this, not right away, anyway. There is a certain hopelessness there that is breaking my heart.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will make sure of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Jan

I wish I had something important and philisophical to start this off with. Instead, I’ve been resorting to all the saved pictures on my computer, ones that I have saved because I love them, to tell my story. The truth is, I want to write, write, write. But I don’t even know where to start.

Each day just gets that little bit easier, I guess. I wish there was a handbook, a manual and a procedure to walk me through this. I like lists, and I like knowing exactly what to do, and this complete and utter hopelessness is slowly affecting me. I’ve broken out in emotional stress hives. HIVES. It’s itchy and sore. The universe is kind of screwing me over at the moment. But I know it’s for the best. I’ll be stronger for it.

I don’t know what I want, but I’m slowly understand what I need.

I’m getting there. Day by day. I’m starting with a holiday.

8 Jan

4 Jan

I’m kind of failing at everything right now.

I feel like I’m failing as a person, and as a person who was in a steady and happy relationship. I feel like I am a failure, by my actions and by my words, and I just want it all to go away. I feel lost, and broken, and I feel like my heart has been split in two, but I’m still trying to remain this positive person who I want to become. It’s taking every part of my willpower not to just crawl into a hole and live there forever.

I’m taking this day by day, and each day I am learning something new about myself. Monday? I learnt that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I’m not a crumpled mess in that hole, but I am living, learning, and hoping that it all makes the difference. Yesterday? Yesterday I learnt that I am becoming just that little bit more selfless.

Heartbreak, no matter what form it is in, is one of the most excruiciating things a person can ever go through. It’s debilitating, paralyzing and the kind of feeling I wouldn’t wish on any one single person on this earth. It, at the very least, makes you feel alive. It makes your heart pound, and your palms sweat, a feeling of complete and utter hopelessness washing over you every second that pasts by. It means losing your appetite, your ability to laugh at things you used to laugh at, and you lose everything you think you could have possibly wanted in a second. Heartbreak is one of the most painful things a person can ever go through. It’s there, lingering, and not ever final. The finality, or lack of, is immobilising. It’s immobilising because each and every day I am waking up without my best friend beside me.

Today I learnt that I am coping with this better than I could have ever expected myself to. And for that, I am kind of proud of myself.

That isn’t a failure.

Image 3 Jan

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