Tomorrow I am starting a new healthy ‘living’ regime. I refuse to call it a diet, because everytime I start things with the word ‘diet’ I always manage to fuck it up within about two days. Essentially, I am eating three meals a day, no snacking, drinking lots of water, and exercising for 1.5 hours 5 days a week. Sounds pretty simple?
Wrong. It’s going to be fucking hard.
I am the worst when it comes to starting diets. I always have that bit of chocolate, or that bag of chips. People try to tell me that going cold turkey isn’t the way to go because you need to treat yourself, but no. I have to go cold turkey. Because if I am a week in, and the deep longing for chocolate has finally subsided, and then my tongue tastes just a bit of the dairy/cocoa goodness, it’s all over. I become like a hyena, who hasn’t eaten in five thousand days. So cold turkey it is.
I’ve been wanting to get serious about this for awhile. And what better motivation than clothes? All my clothes are baggy on me anyway, due to the fact that the past year I have lost 13 kilos. But I have put off buying clothes because I always had the intention of losing more weight. So, here goes. Starting tomorrow, the sixteenth of January, I will start a eight week ‘healthy living plan’, which I hope leads to losing ten kilos. Ten kilos in eight weeks. That’s 1.25 kilos a week. Pretty managable. And when I get to my goal weight of 63 kilos, I will go out, $600 in my hand, and purchase a whole new wardrobe. Throw out all my clothes. And buy brand new ones.
Sounds like a pretty awesome treat to me. Take that, chocolate.
Things that I am grateful for today:
1. These two precious people, for making me smile real wide while I am cooped up in bed with a cold.
2. My new canvas’s, which are hanging on my wall and looking pretty darn amazing.
3. My puppy, who is currently sleeping next to me and keeping me company.
It’s the small things.
I am feeling particularly sad today. No reason, really. I woke up feeling off, and drained and missing someone more than I have in a week. It’s funny how something like that can throw your whole day off. I woke up sad, I woke up with a sore throat, and then I spent the day sorting out our stuff, our life, and boxing it all away.
I’m feeling broken today.
I am a fixer. I want to fix everything now, and instantaniously. I’ve always been like this. I think the greatest struggle for me at the moment is knowing that I can’t fix this, not right away, anyway. There is a certain hopelessness there that is breaking my heart.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I will make sure of it.
I’m kind of failing at everything right now.
I feel like I’m failing as a person, and as a person who was in a steady and happy relationship. I feel like I am a failure, by my actions and by my words, and I just want it all to go away. I feel lost, and broken, and I feel like my heart has been split in two, but I’m still trying to remain this positive person who I want to become. It’s taking every part of my willpower not to just crawl into a hole and live there forever.
I’m taking this day by day, and each day I am learning something new about myself. Monday? I learnt that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I’m not a crumpled mess in that hole, but I am living, learning, and hoping that it all makes the difference. Yesterday? Yesterday I learnt that I am becoming just that little bit more selfless.
Heartbreak, no matter what form it is in, is one of the most excruiciating things a person can ever go through. It’s debilitating, paralyzing and the kind of feeling I wouldn’t wish on any one single person on this earth. It, at the very least, makes you feel alive. It makes your heart pound, and your palms sweat, a feeling of complete and utter hopelessness washing over you every second that pasts by. It means losing your appetite, your ability to laugh at things you used to laugh at, and you lose everything you think you could have possibly wanted in a second. Heartbreak is one of the most painful things a person can ever go through. It’s there, lingering, and not ever final. The finality, or lack of, is immobilising. It’s immobilising because each and every day I am waking up without my best friend beside me.
Today I learnt that I am coping with this better than I could have ever expected myself to. And for that, I am kind of proud of myself.
That isn’t a failure.
I’m not entirely sure how to start this, but I’ll do my best to put this in a way which doesn’t at all sounds ridiculous and/or incredibly self absorbed. I have been wanting to start a wordpress for about a year, but due to the fact that I have about five fully functioning blogs, I wasn’t entirely sure what this one would mean. My tumblr is generally exclusively a Glee blog, television blog, and a pretty, pretty pictures blog. My Livejournal has been neglected over a lengthy period of time, by which means I’m not entirely sure I can resuscitate. And my Listography, last.fm, etc, etc were whimsical decisions on my part, and have rarely been used. I want this to be a place about me. About who I am, about what I want. About inspiration, about feeling and essentially a place where I can express myself without bulking up the courage to speak the words aloud.
It’s silly really. These past few days have been the biggest emotional rollercoaster of my life, and if you had told me five days ago that I would be sitting here resembling some kind of hope, I would have burst into hysterics in your face. I have cried, my God have I cried, but now is the time to stop crying. I’m on a path that I have always wanted to be on, now. One that I hope leads to happiness with a certain person that shall remain nameless. One thing I have realised in the past week is that I need to find myself again. I have become a shell of myself, a mere shadow on who I imagined I would be. When I was eighteen, I looked at the world with rose coloured glasses, and now that I have grown up, I have matured, but I don’t want to lose that optimism. I have become negative, so, so negative and I want myself back again. I want the person who would get ridiculously excited over nothing in particular than something really small happening. I want to look forward to things with a sense of pride that I accomplished them, instead of dread. I want to fix myself, make myself into the person I know I want to be.
And I’ll get there. One small step at a time.
Signing off because, you know, baby steps,